The Pursuit of Gratitude

Thursday, May 5, 2011

keep trying

it's not as if i'm some pathetic, lonely soul. i'm just trying to find my way through this life the best i can. i make no apologies for my rants! we all do it. life goes on, and i have no choice but to go with it. maybe i'm not destined to make the "big bucks". as long as i am able to pay my bills, and have a little fun in life, what more can i want? (well???)
the only difference between my life now,and that high school girl who never dated, and felt invisible is about 38 years! i mean, i'm 55 years old, but i might as well be 17.
the same insecurities exist, on so many levels. i think i try too hard to make friends with people who don't care to give me the time of day..... i still keep trying though. i still feel like that girl who, in senior year of high school, was asked by one of the popular boys: "are you new here?" even though i'd been going to school in that town since 8th grade!
there's no impressing people who won't be impressed anyway. i've never been one of the "beautiful" people-ever! why does it bother me so much??
my god! i had a good marriage-not perfect by any stretch! but good non-the-less. i have three wonderful sons who would do anything for me. i have 6 grandchildren i love more than life itself.
but-at the end of the day, i'm left with me-and me alone. i'm not sure i'm comfortable in my own skin.
i am known by some people as a sweet, kind, gentle soul, which is not a bad thing at all. i could never be any different. so, what is my problem?????
i went to a counselor once- he was very nice, as long as my insurance paid!!!
what is wrong??? why can't i be happy? it's a great mystery to me.....

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

on being ignored

i work with people whom i admire, love, and respect, yet i feel like the red headed step-child, no matter what. all i am is nice,quiet,and compliant. is that all that i am??? why do i even bother? if i died, no one would even care..i feel i am expendable. why can't i be important? i know it's stupid but i want to feel valued. i'm not cool. i'm growing older,and feeling more and more irrelevant. no matter how hard i try to reach out to people, i am just not cool enough to acknowledge, i don't have the "stuff". if they only really knew me. if they only gave me a chance! they might like me a lot!